MP-138 California Creamin’
California Creamin’
Manpower
(same as HIS69-195)
MP-138
Matt Carter
$3.95
California Creamin’
Manpower
(same as HIS69-195)
MP-138
Matt Carter
$3.95
Foreword
My life, like my penis, is constantly changing in its size. Sometimes it appears before me great and hard, at other times it hangs away from me, soft yet malleable. There are times when my perspective is so close that it seems foreshortened; but in a mirror it seems larger and even other than me or mine.
The events I described here are illustrative of the phantasmagoria of sexuality that is my life today. I say phantasmagoria not because these experiences are only fantasy. They are indeed the reality, the actual flesh and blood events of my recent experience. But what I have been discovering is that their “reality” is no more real than the dreams the twins and I related on Big Sur. I have become alienated from my experiences, in short. Fantasy is only internal; my sexual realities are only external. Their palpability is meaningless since they are not connected to relationship.
This book is a record then not of an integral life but of the lively facts that await the fuller dimension of communion with persons and the sharing of personal powers.
These events move toward me and away from me as my balls do, always distancing, always nearing. The sexual events I describe come from awarenesses of need yet never can lead me to self awareness. So many touches and no Touching.
The sexual feats I describe are glowing and pleasurable in my experience of them and in my recollection of them. Yet they give me no lasting city of integration where I can renew myself and build a framework for my mind and heart.
My experiences represent the estrangement that results from the oppression of homosexuality by this society. I share the responsibility because I have so often used my energy to find titillation rather than to fight oppression wherever I see it. Society has made homosexuality synonymous with shame and the double life that follows from that shame pushes us toward immediate and short-term baubles of pleasure rather than open, ongoing relationships that everyone can see. Our models for relationship are all, of course, heterosexual. So here too we are at a loss and need always to invent or mimic rather than to learn and emulate.
I describe my acts in this book not to model self-actualization but to show some ways to have fun, which we all deserve. You can learn here how to give a good blow job, but not how to hold someone close, to give assurances, or to make commitments.
I still look within myself and within the hearts of my brothers as I seek liberation. I know that I can move from the frenzies of raw sex to the shoulders of friends. The journey from Dionysus to Apollo can still be effected.
This book has been an essay on the former; the latter awaits us only at arm’s length.
“There is more day to dawn; the sun is but a morning star.”
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